Two worst and most familiar emotions in the world

I can't help but feel this aching loneliness tonight because maybe I'm not worth talking to. Maybe I really do need to go to bed like he says.

But these sobs are so familiar. Probably one of the earliest things I remember.

They are the exact ones I cried into my father's chest when he rocked me, hushing me while my mom walked out the door to go to work. The ones I cried when I had a bad dream or when I wanted my parents back together during their separation. Right now they just hurt and come in rolling waves that cease to persist though I don't really have any particular reason to hurt or feel lonely. I just ache for someone to hold me again, I guess. I just need someone here for me, even if they don't say anything.

All I want is someone to hold me and tell me it's okay, sometimes.

Nostalgia and Lonliness have a funny way of working together.

Sleep Better than I will tonight, loves

Girlinblue

That Night

My life is kind of in two segments now.

Before Cruise, and after cruise.

That last night passed in a blur but I didn't want it to, obviously.

I waited all night in that club, laying on a couch, staring blankly at a wall, wondering what was up ahead, to become. People asked me what was up, where you were, the usual. Then I got a call that I had to go back to my room to finish packing.

So I half-heartedly stuffed all my crap into my bag. It was the most heartwrenching thing I think I've ever had to do, because zipping up that suitcase was like zipping up a week full of incredible that would be padlocked, never to be opened, or relived, again.

I trudged back to the elevator. I had blisters in my toes from flipflops, so instead I was wearing the sparkly shoes. All my good clothes were gone, so I wore sweats, and I felt disgusting. I was so red, I could see how red my nose and cheeks were below my eyes. I hurt from the unfamiliar bed I had lied on for the past week. And I hurt from what I was going to have to let go of.

Up the fifteen floors, the elevator opened. The air was getting cooler as we approached the United States. I trudged back to the club. What if you weren't there. What if I would never see you again.

You were. You said I looked hot in my sweats. Even though I know I didn't.

We walked out of the club into a huge, freezing wind tunnel. We went up the deck and huddled behind a stack of beach chairs, making out. You didn't noticed, but I felt like crying. I almost did. It took all of me that night to not collapse in your arms.

We snuck across to the other deck and huddled together, you blocking the wind, both of us pressed against the glass. It was no use. The cold was seeping into our bones, both of us shivering. So we went to get food and found two other kids from the club. Two British, two Australian. We sat there eating heaps of food and ice cream and laughing and asking crazy questions about each other's countries. "How big is a stone? Don't they come in all shapes and sizes?" "So do you ride a kangaroo to school every day?" Etc. Etc.

We all parted. You and I went back to the elevator. It was there in your arms the tears finally forced their way out, racing themselves down my cheeks.

"Are you crying?"

I shook my head. But you knew. You know me too well

I pulled myself together and put on a brave face for you.

We roamed the halls, cracking jokes, you speaking to me in german, me being confused. All the doors marked "Do Not Disturb" were people "doing the dirty." They were loading up luggage and it was highly depressing. Teenage Dream came on and you stopped and tried to dance with me but I shot you down, certainly blushing, because I can't dance. I would never hear that song again without thinking of you. Just like I would never be able to hear "Raise Your Glass" Without remembering Jon elbowing me hard in the face on accident. Just like I would think of you every time I got a piece of mail from NCL, mentally pointing out the places some of the best memories were made in the picture of the EPIC. Just like I would never be able to put on my Blue Man Group shirt without being reminded of you.

I stalled going back to my room, leading us to floors that weren't mine. Finally we made it to the twelfth floor. I loathed that little arrow that pointed to my room, to our final moment together more than I've ever loathed anything.

We stopped. Embraced. "You don't know how much I'm going to miss you"

You don't know how much that statement was false.

I gave you the note. Hugged you again. Kissed you one last time. Went into my room, and collapsed on my bed in a heap of tear-stained cheeks. I can't remember a time I've cried louder. I couldn't breathe.

I was hollow. Empty. Nothing anybody could tell me would help. I just needed you. There. With me.

I miss you. So much. I DO know how much you miss me because I MUST miss you just as much. You don't understand how much you changed me. You made me feel beautiful, special, like a girl out of a movie or a fairytale, because boys like you only happen to girls in fairytales. And yet you DID happen to me.

I miss you.

Love forever

GirlInBlue

Lessthanthree

But really though...

What if the one who got away came back?

What if right as you began to pride in yourself over accomplishing the impossible (getting over someone) they come right back into your life and you're head over heels again.

On the one hand, this situation is astronomically exciting. You can finally think of all the memories without hurting, and actually see their face without that terrible ache in your chest. Its almost new, yet so little has changed, yet so much at the same time.

Its all very emotionally exhausting.

And I would much rather it be this way, without the awkwardness, without the constant questioning of myself. Without the "What'd I do wrong?"s and "Why me?"s and of course without the "At one point I was good enough and now I am not"

Questions have been answered.

So why is it still I haven't a clue what to do with myself?

And Why is it when the inspiration had seemingly come back, I still have this huge whole in my brain where all the words used to pour from. Even now, sitting at my keyboard, I struggle, racking my brains for every word, every thought, wringing myself dry of the words that present themselves one letter at a time....

I guess I'm confused. But not really. I know what I want, But I don't.

How can I abandoned the one who not only picked up my broken pieces and make me whole, made me laugh again, made me see in color and light and see all the beauty again after my world came crashing down around me, but also the one who gave me memories I will hold for a lifetime. I love him dearly, and I cannot stop that, especially for one who could have had all of my love in the first place. You cannot replace the ups and downs, everything two people could've gone through.

What it all comes down to I guess is that its just another case of Heart v. Mind. Your heart wants something, but you know in your mind it is stupid.

Maybe I'll just live with 45025 cats when I get old. Yup.

I DONT NEED NO MAN

Love always.

GirlInBlue

lessthanthree

Bananas

Bananas

Zing.

Holy Crap. I am back. How is that? Craziness right?

So I know probably nobody gets on here anymore but oh well. I'll direct the subject of my intentions to this article because it's a message.

First, though, I would like to say a thanks to my 7 readers (possibly more, but who knows) for sticking through one of the most dreadful bouts of writer's block I have ever had to conquer. Then I was going to take a break for summer anyway. And here I am, school mere days away. And I'm actually pretty excited.

So I have this really good friend. He is a guy, but not my boyfriend. I met him when my best friend dated him for a while then broke up with him. This boy has always been someone on my "boyfriend potential" radar but it wasn't until later when it finally clicked. I think I liked him before he liked me, but he soon caught on.

I didn't go out with him for a number of reasons. For one, even though my friend said it would be okay, but altogether too weird, he was my best friend's ex. 2, I am entering my junior year and he is a freshman and while although it's been said and done before and he acts around 28, it would be difficult to say the least. My last reason is an odd one because my boy is painfully shy which is absolutely adorable, but at times can make me feel like a deer in the headlights.

So here we are, I like him, He likes me, we move on.

Since I live in a capitol city, our state has an annual state fair in our town, in which most of the citizens of at least my town go to. While I was in line for an all-access ride pass, crammed in next to mothers and fussing children in the hot sun, I looked up and saw these electric blue eyes. And it was like this jolt went through my whole body. Like electricity. I'm pretty sure if it made a noise, it would say zing. Right there in the middle of all those people, and I know this probably sound idiotic (it probably is), But I had one of those experiences when you see someone and its like you're the only two people there. Mind you, there were probably dozens of people there, but as soon as I saw those shocking electric blue eyes, I knew it was him.

We exchanged shy smiles, and I blushed madly, giving a little wave then turning away, trying to act as casual as I could while on the inside I was slowly collapsing because that really just happened. I knew he was probably still watching me, and I was stealing small glimpses in his direction also, so I tried to act like I wasn't a blithering, wonderstruck idiot. Much to my dismay, however, I didn't see him again that night.

I think the magic came into play because of the sincere surprise of the whole incident. It's not even that big of a deal. I see my friend, I smile, say hi, move on with my life right? No. This is one of those things that kept me looking for him all night, in ride lines and food lines, playing games, doing fair-y things, whatever.

I came home and immediately facebooked him because I'm a stalker and we both had a little freak out about it. It went like this

Him-HI!!! (See, though he is shy in person, over the internet he is way more random and crazy and amazing than he lets on)

Me- (HIS NAME IN ALL CAPS HERE!!!!!)

Him- You made me smile tonight yknow...

Me- Yeah, you made me smile. And blush. That's a given.

And we both talked about how we were all gushy and happy and smiley and sappy stuff like that. It was incredible.

I like this boy probably for all his differences, and also because he something I strive to be so bad. I suppose I consider myself an introverted person, and while I was shy in my childhood years, I slowly grew more comfortable in my skin. However, I will be the first to admit I can be tremendously overbearing at times.

My boy (and I say my boy because usually I would replace "boy" with his name) might be perfect for me though, because, and I just recently realized this because I just recently figured it out, he is everything I want in a boy.

He is reserved, as I've gone over, yet I can talk to him with ease and he can with me (I hope). He is deep and poetic and artistic, but he is also hilarious but not inappropriate. He is also incredibly understanding. A big problem I have with boyfriends is that when I get in a "mood" where I have to rant about something depressing, they never know what I'm talk about but when I go talk to him its like he knows exactly where I'm coming from. He's absolutely (and I use this word in the most masculine form there is) beautiful inside and out (yes I used the forbidden word, I suppose this breaks the promise not to ever use it)

I don't know whats going to happen. Only that something so significant needs to go somewhere at some point. The only thing to figure out is where and when.

All My Love,

Girl In Blue

Less than Three

Shattered

You love me. And I love you... But not the way I should.

I love that you love me. I love your company and I love that you're one of my best friends. I love that you tell me everything and I love that I can do the same.

But I can't be with you, as much as you want. For your own good. And for more reasons than just that you are like my brother and I can't let anything happen to you.

Let me explain.

One's first love is perfect. It may last for a while, and it has all the nerves. You still have this beautiful view of love that hasn't been obstructed or dirtied. Like a new window, it seems so perfect, nothing can defile it. So you touch it, and hold it, and lean on it. And it's a little scratched, and theres a smudge here or there.

And then it shatters. You don't know what happened. Maybe there was a crack that very slowly crept across the window and finally you touched it wrong and it just caved in. Maybe you leaned against it too much and it gives. But it's done. And there are pieces. And as much as you try, no matter what, no matter how many times you try to make it work, it's over. And there's nothing you can do.

Sometimes you are like me. And you've moved to a different window, and each time the same thing happens. And you just stand there helpless, trying and trying, gluing, taping, whatever it takes, to make that glass perfect again. You give it all that you are. But it doesn't help. It won't no matter what.

See, I am broken. I cannot be fixed. I have been betrayed, lied to, and rejected so many times I can't trust anymore. I hate it but it's true. I hate knowing I can't get close to somebody because I know I am giving them the bullet to shoot through my glass. It is hard to love.

I found that person, though. I thought I never would. Which was exactly the problem. I found a person so perfect, and he told me he would do anything for me. I thought the world of him and him of me. But I can't trust. Because I am broken. And I went and screwed it up. Because I thought he was leaving, so to save myself, I let go. But he wasn't. And I gave up. And I should've trusted him. But I didn't. And I am broken.

I don't want you to be cut with my broken glass. I don't want to break you, and I don't want you to be broken. That pane of glass... Right now, it's looking immaculate. I don't want to be the one to plague it. Because I will. Find someone who's glass is clear. Find someone who can trust themselves. Find someone who will love you just as much. I love you, but I will never love you as much as you do me. My glass has been shattered.

I am broken.

All my love.

GirlInBlue

LessThanThree

Right when I gave up my past, a new future appeared.

Hey you. You know who you are. Because this is our blog. Just for us. This is me reliving the memories as I do frequently. Back when life was perfection.

Our story, through my eyes.

Remember this?

This is where we met. We played ENDLESS games of a

ir hockey (which I lost, sometimes, but were fun anyway). And we snuggled on those red velvet couches. I was your good luck charm when you played FIFA against your sister. And you always wo

n. You always fell out of the chairs because you leaned in them

but the bottom are round. The first night we met we sat for hours just talking and talking endlessly.

I would also repeatedly randomly run into those little purple tables. They hurt.

How about this?

This court was where we became friends the first night. We were going to play dodgeball, but it started raining, so we started sliding around on the court and sliding into the nets. We figured out we lived near each other here. I had noticed you variably throughout the night and thought you were really cool. I had no idea how much of an impact that night would have on me...

Up on that balcony on the right there? We left the place I showed you earlier the second night and hung out there all night and talked a lot. I started to admit to myself that I actually liked you, but didn't take it seriously. Because I needed to be realistic. What are the odds a fling on vacation would turn into more? I started flirting. Thought you were flirting back. When we went back, when the elevator stopped on your floor, you hesitated. I looked up "So... see ya later" "yeah, see ya" When you hesitated... I wondered if it was unrealistic for you to kiss me goodnight. And I figured it was. Later I asked you "Did you want to kiss me" You said that first night that while we were hanging out on the balcony that, yes you did realize you wanted to. And when you hesitated in the elevator, you were going to, but then couldn't.

And then the next night, when you could.

We were walking around and teasing each other, and you were teasing me about how I was weak and we "fought" about how I couldn't push you over.

You-You can't push me over

Me- Yeah, watch

You-*obviously fake* Ow. Now I'm mad.

Me- Aww, I'm sorry *kisses hand and places on head* All better?

You-No

Me-I'm sorry.

You- Sorry is words

Me-Well what do you want?

You-hmmm.... think of something

Me-(joking) ice cream (which is free and limitless on the ship)

You-Ha, no.I don't need ice cream.

Me- I dont have anything else.

You- You do. Think about it. Ramble something off.

I started to kind of get the gist of it, but didnt want to assume anything or get my hopes up or something. Plus if i said "a kiss" and I was wrong, how embarrassing would that be?

Me-(still joking)Now you're starting to make me mad.

You-Why?

Me-Cuz you wont tell me.

You-...

Me- I might know, but I'm probably wrong.

You- Well let's hear.

Me-No.

You- Why.

Me- Because it makes me nervous....

You- Is that why you're twisting your shirt?

Me- .....yeah.

You- come on

Me- No

You- Give me a hint

Me- Is it an action?

You- Yes.

Me- Oh... (now I'm pretty sure i know that it is a kiss.)

You- Well if you aren't going to tell me, how about I guess.

Me-Ok. *slight silence.*

You- Wow every ounce of confidence I had just left.

Me- I don't care

Long silence.

And then this next part I remember exactly. You know some memories seem like they just happened? I can still see the exact light, the way you said it, your face, the wind, the smell, the ocean, the slight rock of the ship... everything. It's uncanny. Your words were the only thing I could hear. The only thing in my ears when you said it.

"You want me to kiss you"

A statement. Not a question.

I turned away from you because I was blushing like crazy and smiling super hard.

"Well??"

Me- One blink means yes, two means no."

You-that isnt fair

Me - I know.

I was laying on the chair with my head dangling off the edge. You come over and sit and my head is in your lap and you're staring at my eyes. And I stare up grinning teasingly without blinking.

You- "You aren't answering"

Me- I already did. You must've missed it.

You- Wow. Now I'm mad again (Of course you were kidding. We just tease each other a lot)

I blinked once.

You- "Is that a yes?"

Me- "I don't know, is it?"

You- Your eyes are hazel.

Me- No, they're brown.

You- Noooo hazel.

Me- I know the color of my own eyes.

Time passes.

Then you look down at me, put your fingers gingerly under my chin, tilt my face toward you a bit, and then lean down. And you kissed me.

I still remember how it felt. Exactly what your eyes looked like. I thought I knew fireworks. I didn't know what "fireworks" were until then. You know how in the books they talk about how it's electric? The books are right. It's just like that. Perfection.

The really funny part was how everyone knew before we did. Before we were a thing, people would ask me, "Hey, where's you'r boyfriend?" to which I would respond "He isn't my boyfriend and I don't know. I'm not his keeper." "He should be (my boyfriend), though. You guys have eeevvvveeerrryyything in common. You like him, don't you?" "..Nahh" "He likes you" "Probably not" "I can tell" "Whatever. We're just friends"

I could fill up endless blogs of memories, but they wouldn't be as special, because they would be so open for everyone, instead of tucked securely in my mind, where I can visit them when needed. They will remain my own and your's, nobody elses. So for now I leave it at this.

I swear that same night I met you, was walking around on my own just staring out into the ocean and I had an epiphany. "Just leave the past behind. What happens will happen. Don't sit around waiting for life to happen, because it's already happening. I'm leaving everything behind me. I'm on vacation. And it's going to be the best week ever."

What an understatement.

You'r star misses you.

GirlInBlue.

LessThanThree

A Message to You.

I loved you. I still do.

When we met, you made all the pain go away. Pain that I thought would last forever. Pain from my family and school. Pain from heartbreak. You made everything seem perfect for once. When we were together, it was like magic. We had moments I thought only existed in movies or fairytales. But they happened. To me. And I want to thank you for fixing me. For making me believe again.

One of the hardest things I had to do was looking you in the eyes and say goodbye without breaking down right then and there. I had to pull myself together and just say it. And then when you basically said it for me...

"You have no idea how much I'm going to miss you"

I wanted to die. Because, yes I would. I feel it every day. Every hour I'm awake. It haunts my nightmares, taints my dreams. Every moment of every day. You're there. In my mind. All of our memories come flooding back. It makes it so I can't concentrate on anything. It makes it so I want to break down again.

I hate myself for this. Because it is also one of the most difficult things I have done. But we can't see each other, or really talk all too often. Something like this was bound to happen. And maybe in the future... Who knows? Maybe we will reunite and it will all be better.

I ignored all the people who said long distance relationships never work. Because they didn't know us. But maybe they were right. And it hurts. It feels like I am ripping in two. I can't stand this lonely feeling I get when I think of how happy we were at one point, and how it feels like I'm throwing it all away.

I never wanted to do this.... giving up on us. You know that, I hope. You know I would do almost anything for you. You know I love you. With everything I have. But the pain and stress isn't making either of us happy. And that's what I want most. Is for you to be happy. Because this can't be what you want either.

I wish so badly it were different. But it isn't and we can't go on forcing something that doesn't work...

I love you so much. And I'll miss you. I do miss you. With every breath I take. I just wanted you to know. I'm so sorry about this. I hope you can be happier, too. I hope I can also.

Don't forget me. Because remember, I wasn't lying.

No, this will not be the last time we are together.

All my love,

GirlInBlue

lessthanslashthree.

Time

Everything revolves around time.

Time or lack there of can influence feelings, change perspectives, heal the broken, scar the perfect, and make or break relationships.

Most of all, Time, when passed, brings with it nostalgia.

Nostalgia is that bittersweet feeling you get when you're looking at old pictures. It's like when you remember something and you try to capture what it felt like when you were there. You can only grab it for a second and then it's gone.

When I was a little girl, all I can remember thinking whenever I saw someone in High School was "I can't wait to be like them. I want to be tall, and have a boyfriend, and say things without people laughing at me." I wish I could tell Little Me that High School me looks at kids in kindergarten and thinks "I want to be like them. I want to be small, and have Daddy be the only guy that matters again, and do immature things without people laughing at me"

Sometimes things happen in the past that are sad. And you get over them. But then, when you least expect it, they show up again. And you find that, yes, you were over it, but you are right back where you started.

Sometimes your present gets mixed up with the past, and you can't decide which to chose. The present treats you well, and has no history of hurting or leaving you. You don't have a history with the present. That is why it is now. But you remember the memories of the past. How happy you were, and how if the present was different, you would give anything to take back the past. But the past hurts. The past made it so you couldn't trust the present or the future. The past broke you and you picked up the pieces and walked away. And now the past has come back. And what do you do?

Time has a really funny way of messing with our feelings. Sometimes it feels like Christmas was just yesterday, and then you wake up and it's 70 degrees out. Four months has passed, and where did it go? Did you spend it wisely? Or did you waste it away? It's March. Soon it will be July. And then October will come again.

Time moves too quickly and too slowly to keep up with. It arranges things and moves things so everything is where it shouldn't. So things happen that have no business happening and everything is unorganized. Time tests us by sneaking up on us and making us do things we never wanted or expected to do. If I could've been told where I'd be in a year a year ago, I would laugh and say "Yeah right, that will never happen."

Prepare yourself for the unexpected. And when I say this, truly keep it in mind. Because time will catch up with you and throw you a curve ball and you won't have enough power to knock it out.

Goodnight and Good luck.

GirlInBlue

lessthanthree

What is Love? (Resist the urge to sing "Baby Don't Hurt me"... or don't... I'm not..=D)

Love is trust from miles away

Love is being terrified of losing someone, but being with them even though they have the power to shatter you.

Love is seeing a person-all of them- imperfections and all and saying "You're perfect to me"

Love is the tears in your pillow because of how much you wish they were with you.

Love is when every love song is about you.

Love is memorizing every little thing you can about them. From little things like foods they hate to big things like fears.

Love is fighting about who loves who more.

Love is being on the phone saying nothing but not wanting to hang up.

Love is when you think about a person all day, every day.

Love is when you wonder if they're thinking about you, too.

Love is calling each other names that may be cheesy, but they make you smile when they call you it anyway.

Love is when the first thought in the morning is "Oh my goodness, I love _________________"

Love is infatuation.

Love is replaying the memories over and over like your favorite movie (even the embarrassing ones)

Love is when you swear you can still feel their arms around you or their hand entwined with yours.

Love is being disappointed when it isn't.

Love is swearing you hear they're voice in a public place.

Love is being sad when it isn't.

Love is sacrifice for one person, and it being completely worth it.

Love is beautiful.

Love is dangerous.

Love is telling them random things that pop up in your mind then regretting it because you know it sounds really really stupid.

Love is when you can be yourself around a person and still have them love you.

Love is when they don't mind when you cry in front of them.

Love is doodling hearts and their name 45904850 times all over everything.

Love is looking up at the moon and knowing somewhere, someone is under the same sky, the same moon.

Love is trusting when every instinct you have screams "Be Careful" or "Remember last time?"

Love is not being able to put words to your feelings because they are too immense.

Love is instantly clicking when you meet someone. And you just know.

Love is thinking you see them in random places.

Love is when you are sad when it isn't them.

Love is when you think it can't get any better than this. And then it does.

Love is when you will always be a little shy around them.

Love is friendship.

Love is blushing when they compliment you.

Love is when you are lovers, but also best friends.

Love is when you can tell them everything.

Love is laying under the stars together.

Love is when every kiss feels like the very first.

Love is when they think your worst features are your best.

Love is walking around aimlessly for hours together and still having the time of your life.

Love is dancing in random places, even though you are both terrible dancers.

Love is an aching reluctance to leave each other...

Love is wanting to tell everybody about them, even when nobody cares.

Love is saving and rereading their messages.

Love is when you don't need time. You just.. know.

Love is when everything is going wrong but you are happy just because you have them.

Love is saying "I don't care" when there is a "But..."

Love is replaying your best moments with them.

Love is when you are 80 years old and hold hands like you are 15.

Love is knowing someone is YOURS.

Love is your easiest hello and your most difficult goodbye.

Love is when you say "Goodnight" and walk inside and have the most enormous grin on your face until you fall asleep.

Love is belonging to somebody.

Love makes a person radiate happiness.

Love is simple. But can be complicated, also.

Love is never ending.

Love is being immature together.

Love is ageless.

Love has no limit, no end.

Love is the one thing we all share, that will reside long after we're gone.

Love is pinching yourself to make sure it's real. That it actually happened.

Love is what lives in dreams and wishes.

Love is everywhere.

Live with Love, my lovelies.

Your's forever and a half.

GirlInBlue

lessthanthree

Feels Like Forever.

I can't think of a post to write, so I'm going to give you a song I wrote for a certain somebody.

100 miles doesn't seem so bad

It's better than a thousand more.

But the distance tends to make me sad

Its been that way since we hit the shore

Take me back into the sea

rock me slowly into sleep

Tonight I'll wait under the stars

And know you can't be too far

But the truth is we could be forever apart.

(Chorus)

When you're away

It feels like forever

Every moment is a mile

without you near

I remember when you when you

held me close to you

I can still detect

Your heartbeat in my ear.

We can lay under the sky

There is no reason, don't ask why.

Let's leave the snow, no one has to know

Because the ocean sings our love song tonight.

We can always drive or fly

I'd even walk there in the rain

I will bid the world a fond goodbye

And we can walk away from all the pain.

Take my hand and count to three (1,2,3)

Soon enough we will be free

Watch for me under the moon

And know that I'll see you soon

But the truth is without you here

It's just an empty room...

(chorus)

And when our hands are intertwined

Once again, you will be mine.

I'll keep you near, and whisper in your ear

"A thousand miles is worth the wait"

As I shed happy tears.

Feel the wind and taste the air

Night-time waves and salty hair

The sea and sky look beautiful tonight

But next to you nothing can compare.

(chorus)

Let's leave this town

It's just us two now.

And the ocean that sings our love song.

Tonight.

Why?

Sometimes you just can't help but wonder why about some things.

Why is the world such a bad place but so filled with beautiful splendor at the same time? Why are things too good to be true? Why must all good things come to an end? Why must humanity be so hate-ridden? Why do you love me?

"Why are you asking?"

Because I'm too weird and scatter-brained and I don't have very much confidence. I'm kind of short and clumsy and not the most attractive girl. My hair doesn't go right, my clothes don't always look right, and I trip over my feet and bite my nails and blush too much. I obsess over things and have unreasonable fears and this can cause me to be somewhat over-emotional, which means I cry a lot. I'm a bit of a loser and I think about things I don't think anybody else thinks about and I have terrible sleep insomnia. I write weird songs and I have potential but no serious talent. I'm not extraordinary at much of anything and I'm still trying to find my place. I'm really sappy and fall for lies and traps and get sucked into things and I don't speak up when something is bothering me. I don't really stick up for myself, or really for anyone else except for those very close to me, and these people are few. I stumble over words and sometimes I eat too much and I'm not athletic. My head is in the clouds and I'm always day dreaming and I'm obsessed with the sea and the sky and the color blue. I dream about the future and what it will be like or what it won't be like, and I try to picture myself in almost any situation, which is an extremely difficult task, as I've never really been able to fit very well. Sometimes I don't really see what people see in me that's so great..

But there are also the positives.

I'm unique and I have my own sense of self, and I'm over-all pretty happy with my life. I can recognize miracles and gifts and God and I have a good relationship with myself. I'm really quite healthy and I don't really care what people think of me, because if they don't like me or who I am, I'm okay with it, because not everyone will. I like to think I'm a pretty good actress and have a good voice that, with help and training, can become extraordinary. I'm secretly a good ice skater and want to ice skate again though my mother won't sign me up for classes and I have an overall good taste in music for someone my age. I stay open-minded in situations and believe in things like love and happy endings and magic and all that jazz.

This all goes through my mind shortly and I ponder. Though I've never really been in this situation, I think I would answer something like this.

"Well, um.. I don't know just wondering what you see in me?"

And then I think of my answer. How would I answer this question?

I would think something like

Weelll I love you because you're an all-over amazing person and you're fun to be around and always seem to have something positive to say even when I'm down. You can make me smile when I feel like dying and I think about you literally every single moment of every day. You make me forget about bad things and make sacrifices and change myself for you. You make me want to try harder, to actually be someone who is worth your precious time. Not to mention I get butterflies by mere memories of you and when I see your face or picture I smile and giggle like a toddler on a carousel.

But, like I said, I have a dim confidence, so I'll think all this for a second, then look down and chew on a nail and reply what I often say to people who ask me Why?

Why are you so loud? Why do you get over-excited about small things? Why are you Pippi Longstocking one second and the next you can be a rabid raccoon after being drenched with a bucket? Why do you dance down the halls, and sing in the shower, and write so much, and say random things, and jump in all directions, and skip a little when you walk, and talk so fast? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

Because life is too short, so cherish it. It's not immaturity, in fact, I think of it as a very mature outlook on life. Why not spend all your time trying to have fun? It creates less regret for later? Why? Because it's better than sitting around, being a mopey Cheerio when you can be a Fruit Loop?

"Why Not?" I will answer meekly.

So, with that, I leave you, Girl-In-Blueinites, with a challenge. Be a little more immature, embrace life, face your problems head on, and live for the moment. Because there isn't any reason not to. When the rest of the world tries to beat you down by asking Why?, turn and face the world, do a twirl, stick your tongue out and answer "Well, Why not??"

Love always from your life-loving sister,

Girl In Blue

lessthanthree

It was all a dream.

Many of us dream. A big percentage of us out there at least. If you are one of the unfortunate souls that has not recalled a dream or does not look forward to resting at night and being bombarded with uncontrolled images, well then, my apologies, first and foremost, on the account of your brain.

Dreams have been one of the small things I've always been able to remember for some reason. I still remember one night when I was eight and my father's roommate and best friend had to dodge my fast feet as I screamed from fright during a particularly bad recurring dream where Pocahontas followed and semi-stalked me through the outdoor auditorium where summer musicals are put on in my hometown called the Muni. See, even as a small child, I was out of my mind.

Every night before I go to sleep I hope for a dream. They do not always come to me, and when they do they are very... vague. But there is always one place I can be promised a dream. I'm not sure why, exactly, but each time I sleep in this one place, I am graced with dreams. Some odd, some beautiful, all of them blessings.

That place is my best friend's bed at her father's house.

I know this is odd, but I only just realized this the last time I was sleeping over a couple weekends ago. I do not, unfortunately, possess the memory to recall the majority of these dreams off the top of my head, but yet I know that they did happen.

Sometimes you have a dream that is beautiful in all of its eloquence, so brilliant in color and detail, that it becomes a nightmare in the waking hours, driving you to the near brink of insanity. You rack your brain, wondering how a dream of this sort has become, and you never see. All you know is you want it back. Oftentimes, also, you may be in the situation that you awake from this dream and, in frustration, go back to sleep with hopes of its return. We all know that that will never happen unless you wake up and go back to sleep hoping the bad dream you just left will not return. Which it always does. Ugh.

Last night I had a dream. I can't remember much of it. But I remember one voice, a voice that means a lot to me at this moment in time, telling me something that now seems kind of weird, but I still loved and love that it was said and here it is.

"I love your waist. Sometimes, I can still feel my arms around you. Sometimes, my hands grasp air, fooling me into thinking you are near."

And of course, I do believe this is all result of the fact that I, in return, feel the hands of him around me also while half asleep and trippy from my cold medicine. My brain teases me with thoughts of his nearness, of his return. When I do realize it was all a dream, I am sad of course. But when you miss someone, the days get better. Not because time can mend a heart, no. But because for every day since your last meeting, it is also another day closer to your next.

I'll see you in my dreams.

Love forever,

Girl In Blue.

LessThanThree

If you be my sky then I'll be your star.

Once many many years ago, the earth was a sea, a sky, and a lighthouse.

The sky was very bright in the daytime, for he was happy with his friend the sun's company.

But at night, the sky got dark and sad. He missed his friend the sun, who went to sleep until the next morning. The sky had no company.

There was also one reflection. A reflection from the lighthouse in the sea. She watched the sky with fascination, wishing she could see the rest of the world from above. All day and night she sat in one place, forbidden to move.

One night, after sun left, Sky got sad and began to cry. His cries turned into a storm, and massive waves flipped and turned the reflection back and forth, every which way. One wave that stood as tall as the lighthouse flipped reflection up, where she landed in the sky, brightening it.

"Why are you crying?" She asked.

Sky replied, seeing her company "I'm lonely. It's dark here. I don't like the dark"

The reflection thought a moment. "Well, I'm not very big, but I'm something. May I stay with you"

"Of course," Sky said, and the clouds cleared. "What may I call you?"

The reflection thought a moment. She couldn't well be a reflection anymore. So she thought of the prettiest name for herself.

"I'm Star" She finally said.

They talked and talked all night, until Sun began to peek up over the sea.

"I have to go," said Star. "But I will still be here. You just cannot see me."

"Will I see you later?" Sky was disappointed.

"As long as you have a place for me, I will spend every night here with you"

And so was the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Every night Star would come and talk about everything with Sky. And Sky was brighter because of it. He was no longer sad. In fact, Sky looked forward to spending nights with Star.

Star knew she was happy in her perch, too. Not only had she found a friend, but also she had found freedom. She was happy there each night, watching the sea from above, and seeing all of the new reflections she had created.

One night Sky realized something.

"Star?" He asked.

"Yes, Sky?" she replied.

"What do you call it when you live for one thing, one being other than yourself. When you can never stop thinking about that thing. And it is never off your mind. And you like everything about it. And you spend all of your time away wishing you were with them, and all your time with them hoping it would never end?"

Star thought. For a long while, she couldn't think of anything.

"Well," She finally whispered, "I think I know what you are talking about. I think you are talking about love."

"Love." Sky tried it on his tongue. "Yes... love. I like the sound of it. No, I love the sound of that."

"Why do you ask?" Star wondered aloud.

Suddenly Sky got nervous.

"Well.. I think maybe... I might love you."

Star did a flip and shone brighter than ever.

"Why, that's great!" She said. "I think I love you also."

And so forever they stayed the same, existing together in perfect love.

One day, many years after, Sky recalled the day he met Star.

"I don't know what I would do without you. Before you, all was dark. And you came and lit the world," He said, gazing upon the reflections of Star in the sea below.

"Well, I don't know what I'd do without you. Before I was in one place, paralyzed, dreaming of freedom. And you gave me freedom. More than. You gave me a home."

"Promise me you will forever shine bright," Sky asked.

"As long as you promise to not let me fall" Star replied.

And so it was. And it still is.

May your sky be lit with a thousand stars.

Girl In Blue.

lessthanthree

You can't appreciate the sunny days..

Good day to you, my lovely followers. Did you know I love you guys? It's so very true!

Did everyone have a splendorous holiday season? I know I did. I got everything I wanted.

So what shall we talk about today? Lets talk about a few things since it's been so long since our last meeting...err... update.

We like to hope alot, don't we? We hope to ace the big test on Friday. We hope those new boots will go on sale. And we hope that that guy you met on the ship last Monday likes you as much as you like him and you will really hit it off.

Not to be precise or anything..

The point is, if you are human, you have hope for a lot of things. Sometimes (ok... maybe a lot of the time) we hope for things that will never be. Sometimes you have nothing left to hope for, so you grab onto the first thing with hope potential, whether it's realistic or not. Sure, the voice in the back of your head is saying "Noooooooooo bad idea!" but of course you ignore it and regret it later.

It is an important part of life to learn what to and to not hope for. Don't waste your time hoping for material things that are easy to gain. Hope for big things, like love and happiness, and then go make them happen.

Tell that random guy at the mall how gorgeous he looks. Tell your friends if something is bothering you. Hope is a great thing in small amounts. But wouldn't it be so much greater to make things happen then to hope for them to happen?

So while school was out I went on one of the BEST vacations of my entire life. So far, that is. A one-week Caribbean cruise that stopped in St. Maarten, St. Thomas, and Nassau. Simply adored the nice injection of blue. Blue skies, blue seas. Qu'est-ce qu'un beau rêve.

The only thing not blue was me. I was happy as a clam laying in the sun reading while all of my friends enjoyed the snow and negative degree weather here in the mid-west. And maybe the clear skies and the sound of waves makes for the perfect romantic setting. Maybe... Maybe my lips are sealed. I'll never tell *sly look*.

This leads to our second topic of the day. Yes, I know TWO WHOLE TOPICS!

The sea has always been a subject of infatuation for me. It makes me feel... I don't know... free. I'm not going to lie, as a child swimming in the ocean was an activity I was perfectly happy not partaking in. Why would you want to get salt in your eyes and sand in your swimsuit when you can swim in a temperature controlled, chlorinated pool? But over time and after frequent Florida trips, I became accustomed to and even fell in complete and unbreakable love with the comforting rock of the waves, the scent of the breeze carrying salt, and, of course, the small pile of sand that deposits itself in your swimsuit. I know. Ew.

What I think I love most about the sea is how tuned to each sense it is. When you actually hear the sound of the waves, you can't help become addicted to it. When you float on the crest of each wave, you want to stay there forever, existing there on the surface of the ocean. And come on, am I the only one that is hypnotized every time a view of the waves catches my attention?

While I was on vacation, I would frequent my mother and father's room simply to sit and watch the ocean dance, perfectly content with it's home under the sky. And it made me think Why can't I be as free as a wave, going simply where the wind took me? Breathing the sweet ocean air made me finally become aware that I can be free (it rhymes because it's an Owl City lyric... aren't I predictable?). Someday, I will live contently and happily with what I have.

My final topic goes a little bit with the first.

Fear and Hope, and their relationship.

Fear and Hope are kind of like fraternal twins. They disagree all the time and act like they hate each other but everyone knows one can not exist without the other. Let's see a situation. A common one that we all know.

Aha. The Perfect Relationship.

Step One: Before Relationship.

Hope- To find the perfect person that meets all of your standards

Fear- You won't find them. Ever.

Step Two: During Relationship.

Hope- That the person likes you just as much and will love you for you.

Fear- The person will not like you and will see you as the wrong person and drop you.

Step Three- After Relationship

Hope- Either for the person back or for a new person to take away the pain.

Fear- ...???

You see? This equation can work for almost any "want-get-lose" situation. Fear is only gone when all is lost. That is when you are filled with hope. It is a terribly miserable, and yet a perfectly beautiful, thing. You cannot appreciate the sunny days without a few clouds.

So embrace your fears and hopes, my loves, and go out there and spread it.

Until the next time.

Stay Blue.

Girl In Blue

lessthanthree