Shattered

You love me. And I love you... But not the way I should.

I love that you love me. I love your company and I love that you're one of my best friends. I love that you tell me everything and I love that I can do the same.

But I can't be with you, as much as you want. For your own good. And for more reasons than just that you are like my brother and I can't let anything happen to you.

Let me explain.

One's first love is perfect. It may last for a while, and it has all the nerves. You still have this beautiful view of love that hasn't been obstructed or dirtied. Like a new window, it seems so perfect, nothing can defile it. So you touch it, and hold it, and lean on it. And it's a little scratched, and theres a smudge here or there.

And then it shatters. You don't know what happened. Maybe there was a crack that very slowly crept across the window and finally you touched it wrong and it just caved in. Maybe you leaned against it too much and it gives. But it's done. And there are pieces. And as much as you try, no matter what, no matter how many times you try to make it work, it's over. And there's nothing you can do.

Sometimes you are like me. And you've moved to a different window, and each time the same thing happens. And you just stand there helpless, trying and trying, gluing, taping, whatever it takes, to make that glass perfect again. You give it all that you are. But it doesn't help. It won't no matter what.

See, I am broken. I cannot be fixed. I have been betrayed, lied to, and rejected so many times I can't trust anymore. I hate it but it's true. I hate knowing I can't get close to somebody because I know I am giving them the bullet to shoot through my glass. It is hard to love.

I found that person, though. I thought I never would. Which was exactly the problem. I found a person so perfect, and he told me he would do anything for me. I thought the world of him and him of me. But I can't trust. Because I am broken. And I went and screwed it up. Because I thought he was leaving, so to save myself, I let go. But he wasn't. And I gave up. And I should've trusted him. But I didn't. And I am broken.

I don't want you to be cut with my broken glass. I don't want to break you, and I don't want you to be broken. That pane of glass... Right now, it's looking immaculate. I don't want to be the one to plague it. Because I will. Find someone who's glass is clear. Find someone who can trust themselves. Find someone who will love you just as much. I love you, but I will never love you as much as you do me. My glass has been shattered.

I am broken.

All my love.

GirlInBlue

LessThanThree

Right when I gave up my past, a new future appeared.

Hey you. You know who you are. Because this is our blog. Just for us. This is me reliving the memories as I do frequently. Back when life was perfection.

Our story, through my eyes.

Remember this?

This is where we met. We played ENDLESS games of a

ir hockey (which I lost, sometimes, but were fun anyway). And we snuggled on those red velvet couches. I was your good luck charm when you played FIFA against your sister. And you always wo

n. You always fell out of the chairs because you leaned in them

but the bottom are round. The first night we met we sat for hours just talking and talking endlessly.

I would also repeatedly randomly run into those little purple tables. They hurt.

How about this?

This court was where we became friends the first night. We were going to play dodgeball, but it started raining, so we started sliding around on the court and sliding into the nets. We figured out we lived near each other here. I had noticed you variably throughout the night and thought you were really cool. I had no idea how much of an impact that night would have on me...

Up on that balcony on the right there? We left the place I showed you earlier the second night and hung out there all night and talked a lot. I started to admit to myself that I actually liked you, but didn't take it seriously. Because I needed to be realistic. What are the odds a fling on vacation would turn into more? I started flirting. Thought you were flirting back. When we went back, when the elevator stopped on your floor, you hesitated. I looked up "So... see ya later" "yeah, see ya" When you hesitated... I wondered if it was unrealistic for you to kiss me goodnight. And I figured it was. Later I asked you "Did you want to kiss me" You said that first night that while we were hanging out on the balcony that, yes you did realize you wanted to. And when you hesitated in the elevator, you were going to, but then couldn't.

And then the next night, when you could.

We were walking around and teasing each other, and you were teasing me about how I was weak and we "fought" about how I couldn't push you over.

You-You can't push me over

Me- Yeah, watch

You-*obviously fake* Ow. Now I'm mad.

Me- Aww, I'm sorry *kisses hand and places on head* All better?

You-No

Me-I'm sorry.

You- Sorry is words

Me-Well what do you want?

You-hmmm.... think of something

Me-(joking) ice cream (which is free and limitless on the ship)

You-Ha, no.I don't need ice cream.

Me- I dont have anything else.

You- You do. Think about it. Ramble something off.

I started to kind of get the gist of it, but didnt want to assume anything or get my hopes up or something. Plus if i said "a kiss" and I was wrong, how embarrassing would that be?

Me-(still joking)Now you're starting to make me mad.

You-Why?

Me-Cuz you wont tell me.

You-...

Me- I might know, but I'm probably wrong.

You- Well let's hear.

Me-No.

You- Why.

Me- Because it makes me nervous....

You- Is that why you're twisting your shirt?

Me- .....yeah.

You- come on

Me- No

You- Give me a hint

Me- Is it an action?

You- Yes.

Me- Oh... (now I'm pretty sure i know that it is a kiss.)

You- Well if you aren't going to tell me, how about I guess.

Me-Ok. *slight silence.*

You- Wow every ounce of confidence I had just left.

Me- I don't care

Long silence.

And then this next part I remember exactly. You know some memories seem like they just happened? I can still see the exact light, the way you said it, your face, the wind, the smell, the ocean, the slight rock of the ship... everything. It's uncanny. Your words were the only thing I could hear. The only thing in my ears when you said it.

"You want me to kiss you"

A statement. Not a question.

I turned away from you because I was blushing like crazy and smiling super hard.

"Well??"

Me- One blink means yes, two means no."

You-that isnt fair

Me - I know.

I was laying on the chair with my head dangling off the edge. You come over and sit and my head is in your lap and you're staring at my eyes. And I stare up grinning teasingly without blinking.

You- "You aren't answering"

Me- I already did. You must've missed it.

You- Wow. Now I'm mad again (Of course you were kidding. We just tease each other a lot)

I blinked once.

You- "Is that a yes?"

Me- "I don't know, is it?"

You- Your eyes are hazel.

Me- No, they're brown.

You- Noooo hazel.

Me- I know the color of my own eyes.

Time passes.

Then you look down at me, put your fingers gingerly under my chin, tilt my face toward you a bit, and then lean down. And you kissed me.

I still remember how it felt. Exactly what your eyes looked like. I thought I knew fireworks. I didn't know what "fireworks" were until then. You know how in the books they talk about how it's electric? The books are right. It's just like that. Perfection.

The really funny part was how everyone knew before we did. Before we were a thing, people would ask me, "Hey, where's you'r boyfriend?" to which I would respond "He isn't my boyfriend and I don't know. I'm not his keeper." "He should be (my boyfriend), though. You guys have eeevvvveeerrryyything in common. You like him, don't you?" "..Nahh" "He likes you" "Probably not" "I can tell" "Whatever. We're just friends"

I could fill up endless blogs of memories, but they wouldn't be as special, because they would be so open for everyone, instead of tucked securely in my mind, where I can visit them when needed. They will remain my own and your's, nobody elses. So for now I leave it at this.

I swear that same night I met you, was walking around on my own just staring out into the ocean and I had an epiphany. "Just leave the past behind. What happens will happen. Don't sit around waiting for life to happen, because it's already happening. I'm leaving everything behind me. I'm on vacation. And it's going to be the best week ever."

What an understatement.

You'r star misses you.

GirlInBlue.

LessThanThree

A Message to You.

I loved you. I still do.

When we met, you made all the pain go away. Pain that I thought would last forever. Pain from my family and school. Pain from heartbreak. You made everything seem perfect for once. When we were together, it was like magic. We had moments I thought only existed in movies or fairytales. But they happened. To me. And I want to thank you for fixing me. For making me believe again.

One of the hardest things I had to do was looking you in the eyes and say goodbye without breaking down right then and there. I had to pull myself together and just say it. And then when you basically said it for me...

"You have no idea how much I'm going to miss you"

I wanted to die. Because, yes I would. I feel it every day. Every hour I'm awake. It haunts my nightmares, taints my dreams. Every moment of every day. You're there. In my mind. All of our memories come flooding back. It makes it so I can't concentrate on anything. It makes it so I want to break down again.

I hate myself for this. Because it is also one of the most difficult things I have done. But we can't see each other, or really talk all too often. Something like this was bound to happen. And maybe in the future... Who knows? Maybe we will reunite and it will all be better.

I ignored all the people who said long distance relationships never work. Because they didn't know us. But maybe they were right. And it hurts. It feels like I am ripping in two. I can't stand this lonely feeling I get when I think of how happy we were at one point, and how it feels like I'm throwing it all away.

I never wanted to do this.... giving up on us. You know that, I hope. You know I would do almost anything for you. You know I love you. With everything I have. But the pain and stress isn't making either of us happy. And that's what I want most. Is for you to be happy. Because this can't be what you want either.

I wish so badly it were different. But it isn't and we can't go on forcing something that doesn't work...

I love you so much. And I'll miss you. I do miss you. With every breath I take. I just wanted you to know. I'm so sorry about this. I hope you can be happier, too. I hope I can also.

Don't forget me. Because remember, I wasn't lying.

No, this will not be the last time we are together.

All my love,

GirlInBlue

lessthanslashthree.

Time

Everything revolves around time.

Time or lack there of can influence feelings, change perspectives, heal the broken, scar the perfect, and make or break relationships.

Most of all, Time, when passed, brings with it nostalgia.

Nostalgia is that bittersweet feeling you get when you're looking at old pictures. It's like when you remember something and you try to capture what it felt like when you were there. You can only grab it for a second and then it's gone.

When I was a little girl, all I can remember thinking whenever I saw someone in High School was "I can't wait to be like them. I want to be tall, and have a boyfriend, and say things without people laughing at me." I wish I could tell Little Me that High School me looks at kids in kindergarten and thinks "I want to be like them. I want to be small, and have Daddy be the only guy that matters again, and do immature things without people laughing at me"

Sometimes things happen in the past that are sad. And you get over them. But then, when you least expect it, they show up again. And you find that, yes, you were over it, but you are right back where you started.

Sometimes your present gets mixed up with the past, and you can't decide which to chose. The present treats you well, and has no history of hurting or leaving you. You don't have a history with the present. That is why it is now. But you remember the memories of the past. How happy you were, and how if the present was different, you would give anything to take back the past. But the past hurts. The past made it so you couldn't trust the present or the future. The past broke you and you picked up the pieces and walked away. And now the past has come back. And what do you do?

Time has a really funny way of messing with our feelings. Sometimes it feels like Christmas was just yesterday, and then you wake up and it's 70 degrees out. Four months has passed, and where did it go? Did you spend it wisely? Or did you waste it away? It's March. Soon it will be July. And then October will come again.

Time moves too quickly and too slowly to keep up with. It arranges things and moves things so everything is where it shouldn't. So things happen that have no business happening and everything is unorganized. Time tests us by sneaking up on us and making us do things we never wanted or expected to do. If I could've been told where I'd be in a year a year ago, I would laugh and say "Yeah right, that will never happen."

Prepare yourself for the unexpected. And when I say this, truly keep it in mind. Because time will catch up with you and throw you a curve ball and you won't have enough power to knock it out.

Goodnight and Good luck.

GirlInBlue

lessthanthree

What is Love? (Resist the urge to sing "Baby Don't Hurt me"... or don't... I'm not..=D)

Love is trust from miles away

Love is being terrified of losing someone, but being with them even though they have the power to shatter you.

Love is seeing a person-all of them- imperfections and all and saying "You're perfect to me"

Love is the tears in your pillow because of how much you wish they were with you.

Love is when every love song is about you.

Love is memorizing every little thing you can about them. From little things like foods they hate to big things like fears.

Love is fighting about who loves who more.

Love is being on the phone saying nothing but not wanting to hang up.

Love is when you think about a person all day, every day.

Love is when you wonder if they're thinking about you, too.

Love is calling each other names that may be cheesy, but they make you smile when they call you it anyway.

Love is when the first thought in the morning is "Oh my goodness, I love _________________"

Love is infatuation.

Love is replaying the memories over and over like your favorite movie (even the embarrassing ones)

Love is when you swear you can still feel their arms around you or their hand entwined with yours.

Love is being disappointed when it isn't.

Love is swearing you hear they're voice in a public place.

Love is being sad when it isn't.

Love is sacrifice for one person, and it being completely worth it.

Love is beautiful.

Love is dangerous.

Love is telling them random things that pop up in your mind then regretting it because you know it sounds really really stupid.

Love is when you can be yourself around a person and still have them love you.

Love is when they don't mind when you cry in front of them.

Love is doodling hearts and their name 45904850 times all over everything.

Love is looking up at the moon and knowing somewhere, someone is under the same sky, the same moon.

Love is trusting when every instinct you have screams "Be Careful" or "Remember last time?"

Love is not being able to put words to your feelings because they are too immense.

Love is instantly clicking when you meet someone. And you just know.

Love is thinking you see them in random places.

Love is when you are sad when it isn't them.

Love is when you think it can't get any better than this. And then it does.

Love is when you will always be a little shy around them.

Love is friendship.

Love is blushing when they compliment you.

Love is when you are lovers, but also best friends.

Love is when you can tell them everything.

Love is laying under the stars together.

Love is when every kiss feels like the very first.

Love is when they think your worst features are your best.

Love is walking around aimlessly for hours together and still having the time of your life.

Love is dancing in random places, even though you are both terrible dancers.

Love is an aching reluctance to leave each other...

Love is wanting to tell everybody about them, even when nobody cares.

Love is saving and rereading their messages.

Love is when you don't need time. You just.. know.

Love is when everything is going wrong but you are happy just because you have them.

Love is saying "I don't care" when there is a "But..."

Love is replaying your best moments with them.

Love is when you are 80 years old and hold hands like you are 15.

Love is knowing someone is YOURS.

Love is your easiest hello and your most difficult goodbye.

Love is when you say "Goodnight" and walk inside and have the most enormous grin on your face until you fall asleep.

Love is belonging to somebody.

Love makes a person radiate happiness.

Love is simple. But can be complicated, also.

Love is never ending.

Love is being immature together.

Love is ageless.

Love has no limit, no end.

Love is the one thing we all share, that will reside long after we're gone.

Love is pinching yourself to make sure it's real. That it actually happened.

Love is what lives in dreams and wishes.

Love is everywhere.

Live with Love, my lovelies.

Your's forever and a half.

GirlInBlue

lessthanthree