That Night

My life is kind of in two segments now.

Before Cruise, and after cruise.

That last night passed in a blur but I didn't want it to, obviously.

I waited all night in that club, laying on a couch, staring blankly at a wall, wondering what was up ahead, to become. People asked me what was up, where you were, the usual. Then I got a call that I had to go back to my room to finish packing.

So I half-heartedly stuffed all my crap into my bag. It was the most heartwrenching thing I think I've ever had to do, because zipping up that suitcase was like zipping up a week full of incredible that would be padlocked, never to be opened, or relived, again.

I trudged back to the elevator. I had blisters in my toes from flipflops, so instead I was wearing the sparkly shoes. All my good clothes were gone, so I wore sweats, and I felt disgusting. I was so red, I could see how red my nose and cheeks were below my eyes. I hurt from the unfamiliar bed I had lied on for the past week. And I hurt from what I was going to have to let go of.

Up the fifteen floors, the elevator opened. The air was getting cooler as we approached the United States. I trudged back to the club. What if you weren't there. What if I would never see you again.

You were. You said I looked hot in my sweats. Even though I know I didn't.

We walked out of the club into a huge, freezing wind tunnel. We went up the deck and huddled behind a stack of beach chairs, making out. You didn't noticed, but I felt like crying. I almost did. It took all of me that night to not collapse in your arms.

We snuck across to the other deck and huddled together, you blocking the wind, both of us pressed against the glass. It was no use. The cold was seeping into our bones, both of us shivering. So we went to get food and found two other kids from the club. Two British, two Australian. We sat there eating heaps of food and ice cream and laughing and asking crazy questions about each other's countries. "How big is a stone? Don't they come in all shapes and sizes?" "So do you ride a kangaroo to school every day?" Etc. Etc.

We all parted. You and I went back to the elevator. It was there in your arms the tears finally forced their way out, racing themselves down my cheeks.

"Are you crying?"

I shook my head. But you knew. You know me too well

I pulled myself together and put on a brave face for you.

We roamed the halls, cracking jokes, you speaking to me in german, me being confused. All the doors marked "Do Not Disturb" were people "doing the dirty." They were loading up luggage and it was highly depressing. Teenage Dream came on and you stopped and tried to dance with me but I shot you down, certainly blushing, because I can't dance. I would never hear that song again without thinking of you. Just like I would never be able to hear "Raise Your Glass" Without remembering Jon elbowing me hard in the face on accident. Just like I would think of you every time I got a piece of mail from NCL, mentally pointing out the places some of the best memories were made in the picture of the EPIC. Just like I would never be able to put on my Blue Man Group shirt without being reminded of you.

I stalled going back to my room, leading us to floors that weren't mine. Finally we made it to the twelfth floor. I loathed that little arrow that pointed to my room, to our final moment together more than I've ever loathed anything.

We stopped. Embraced. "You don't know how much I'm going to miss you"

You don't know how much that statement was false.

I gave you the note. Hugged you again. Kissed you one last time. Went into my room, and collapsed on my bed in a heap of tear-stained cheeks. I can't remember a time I've cried louder. I couldn't breathe.

I was hollow. Empty. Nothing anybody could tell me would help. I just needed you. There. With me.

I miss you. So much. I DO know how much you miss me because I MUST miss you just as much. You don't understand how much you changed me. You made me feel beautiful, special, like a girl out of a movie or a fairytale, because boys like you only happen to girls in fairytales. And yet you DID happen to me.

I miss you.

Love forever

GirlInBlue

Lessthanthree

But really though...

What if the one who got away came back?

What if right as you began to pride in yourself over accomplishing the impossible (getting over someone) they come right back into your life and you're head over heels again.

On the one hand, this situation is astronomically exciting. You can finally think of all the memories without hurting, and actually see their face without that terrible ache in your chest. Its almost new, yet so little has changed, yet so much at the same time.

Its all very emotionally exhausting.

And I would much rather it be this way, without the awkwardness, without the constant questioning of myself. Without the "What'd I do wrong?"s and "Why me?"s and of course without the "At one point I was good enough and now I am not"

Questions have been answered.

So why is it still I haven't a clue what to do with myself?

And Why is it when the inspiration had seemingly come back, I still have this huge whole in my brain where all the words used to pour from. Even now, sitting at my keyboard, I struggle, racking my brains for every word, every thought, wringing myself dry of the words that present themselves one letter at a time....

I guess I'm confused. But not really. I know what I want, But I don't.

How can I abandoned the one who not only picked up my broken pieces and make me whole, made me laugh again, made me see in color and light and see all the beauty again after my world came crashing down around me, but also the one who gave me memories I will hold for a lifetime. I love him dearly, and I cannot stop that, especially for one who could have had all of my love in the first place. You cannot replace the ups and downs, everything two people could've gone through.

What it all comes down to I guess is that its just another case of Heart v. Mind. Your heart wants something, but you know in your mind it is stupid.

Maybe I'll just live with 45025 cats when I get old. Yup.

I DONT NEED NO MAN

Love always.

GirlInBlue

lessthanthree

Bananas

Bananas

Zing.

Holy Crap. I am back. How is that? Craziness right?

So I know probably nobody gets on here anymore but oh well. I'll direct the subject of my intentions to this article because it's a message.

First, though, I would like to say a thanks to my 7 readers (possibly more, but who knows) for sticking through one of the most dreadful bouts of writer's block I have ever had to conquer. Then I was going to take a break for summer anyway. And here I am, school mere days away. And I'm actually pretty excited.

So I have this really good friend. He is a guy, but not my boyfriend. I met him when my best friend dated him for a while then broke up with him. This boy has always been someone on my "boyfriend potential" radar but it wasn't until later when it finally clicked. I think I liked him before he liked me, but he soon caught on.

I didn't go out with him for a number of reasons. For one, even though my friend said it would be okay, but altogether too weird, he was my best friend's ex. 2, I am entering my junior year and he is a freshman and while although it's been said and done before and he acts around 28, it would be difficult to say the least. My last reason is an odd one because my boy is painfully shy which is absolutely adorable, but at times can make me feel like a deer in the headlights.

So here we are, I like him, He likes me, we move on.

Since I live in a capitol city, our state has an annual state fair in our town, in which most of the citizens of at least my town go to. While I was in line for an all-access ride pass, crammed in next to mothers and fussing children in the hot sun, I looked up and saw these electric blue eyes. And it was like this jolt went through my whole body. Like electricity. I'm pretty sure if it made a noise, it would say zing. Right there in the middle of all those people, and I know this probably sound idiotic (it probably is), But I had one of those experiences when you see someone and its like you're the only two people there. Mind you, there were probably dozens of people there, but as soon as I saw those shocking electric blue eyes, I knew it was him.

We exchanged shy smiles, and I blushed madly, giving a little wave then turning away, trying to act as casual as I could while on the inside I was slowly collapsing because that really just happened. I knew he was probably still watching me, and I was stealing small glimpses in his direction also, so I tried to act like I wasn't a blithering, wonderstruck idiot. Much to my dismay, however, I didn't see him again that night.

I think the magic came into play because of the sincere surprise of the whole incident. It's not even that big of a deal. I see my friend, I smile, say hi, move on with my life right? No. This is one of those things that kept me looking for him all night, in ride lines and food lines, playing games, doing fair-y things, whatever.

I came home and immediately facebooked him because I'm a stalker and we both had a little freak out about it. It went like this

Him-HI!!! (See, though he is shy in person, over the internet he is way more random and crazy and amazing than he lets on)

Me- (HIS NAME IN ALL CAPS HERE!!!!!)

Him- You made me smile tonight yknow...

Me- Yeah, you made me smile. And blush. That's a given.

And we both talked about how we were all gushy and happy and smiley and sappy stuff like that. It was incredible.

I like this boy probably for all his differences, and also because he something I strive to be so bad. I suppose I consider myself an introverted person, and while I was shy in my childhood years, I slowly grew more comfortable in my skin. However, I will be the first to admit I can be tremendously overbearing at times.

My boy (and I say my boy because usually I would replace "boy" with his name) might be perfect for me though, because, and I just recently realized this because I just recently figured it out, he is everything I want in a boy.

He is reserved, as I've gone over, yet I can talk to him with ease and he can with me (I hope). He is deep and poetic and artistic, but he is also hilarious but not inappropriate. He is also incredibly understanding. A big problem I have with boyfriends is that when I get in a "mood" where I have to rant about something depressing, they never know what I'm talk about but when I go talk to him its like he knows exactly where I'm coming from. He's absolutely (and I use this word in the most masculine form there is) beautiful inside and out (yes I used the forbidden word, I suppose this breaks the promise not to ever use it)

I don't know whats going to happen. Only that something so significant needs to go somewhere at some point. The only thing to figure out is where and when.

All My Love,

Girl In Blue

Less than Three

Shattered

You love me. And I love you... But not the way I should.

I love that you love me. I love your company and I love that you're one of my best friends. I love that you tell me everything and I love that I can do the same.

But I can't be with you, as much as you want. For your own good. And for more reasons than just that you are like my brother and I can't let anything happen to you.

Let me explain.

One's first love is perfect. It may last for a while, and it has all the nerves. You still have this beautiful view of love that hasn't been obstructed or dirtied. Like a new window, it seems so perfect, nothing can defile it. So you touch it, and hold it, and lean on it. And it's a little scratched, and theres a smudge here or there.

And then it shatters. You don't know what happened. Maybe there was a crack that very slowly crept across the window and finally you touched it wrong and it just caved in. Maybe you leaned against it too much and it gives. But it's done. And there are pieces. And as much as you try, no matter what, no matter how many times you try to make it work, it's over. And there's nothing you can do.

Sometimes you are like me. And you've moved to a different window, and each time the same thing happens. And you just stand there helpless, trying and trying, gluing, taping, whatever it takes, to make that glass perfect again. You give it all that you are. But it doesn't help. It won't no matter what.

See, I am broken. I cannot be fixed. I have been betrayed, lied to, and rejected so many times I can't trust anymore. I hate it but it's true. I hate knowing I can't get close to somebody because I know I am giving them the bullet to shoot through my glass. It is hard to love.

I found that person, though. I thought I never would. Which was exactly the problem. I found a person so perfect, and he told me he would do anything for me. I thought the world of him and him of me. But I can't trust. Because I am broken. And I went and screwed it up. Because I thought he was leaving, so to save myself, I let go. But he wasn't. And I gave up. And I should've trusted him. But I didn't. And I am broken.

I don't want you to be cut with my broken glass. I don't want to break you, and I don't want you to be broken. That pane of glass... Right now, it's looking immaculate. I don't want to be the one to plague it. Because I will. Find someone who's glass is clear. Find someone who can trust themselves. Find someone who will love you just as much. I love you, but I will never love you as much as you do me. My glass has been shattered.

I am broken.

All my love.

GirlInBlue

LessThanThree

Right when I gave up my past, a new future appeared.

Hey you. You know who you are. Because this is our blog. Just for us. This is me reliving the memories as I do frequently. Back when life was perfection.

Our story, through my eyes.

Remember this?

This is where we met. We played ENDLESS games of a

ir hockey (which I lost, sometimes, but were fun anyway). And we snuggled on those red velvet couches. I was your good luck charm when you played FIFA against your sister. And you always wo

n. You always fell out of the chairs because you leaned in them

but the bottom are round. The first night we met we sat for hours just talking and talking endlessly.

I would also repeatedly randomly run into those little purple tables. They hurt.

How about this?

This court was where we became friends the first night. We were going to play dodgeball, but it started raining, so we started sliding around on the court and sliding into the nets. We figured out we lived near each other here. I had noticed you variably throughout the night and thought you were really cool. I had no idea how much of an impact that night would have on me...

Up on that balcony on the right there? We left the place I showed you earlier the second night and hung out there all night and talked a lot. I started to admit to myself that I actually liked you, but didn't take it seriously. Because I needed to be realistic. What are the odds a fling on vacation would turn into more? I started flirting. Thought you were flirting back. When we went back, when the elevator stopped on your floor, you hesitated. I looked up "So... see ya later" "yeah, see ya" When you hesitated... I wondered if it was unrealistic for you to kiss me goodnight. And I figured it was. Later I asked you "Did you want to kiss me" You said that first night that while we were hanging out on the balcony that, yes you did realize you wanted to. And when you hesitated in the elevator, you were going to, but then couldn't.

And then the next night, when you could.

We were walking around and teasing each other, and you were teasing me about how I was weak and we "fought" about how I couldn't push you over.

You-You can't push me over

Me- Yeah, watch

You-*obviously fake* Ow. Now I'm mad.

Me- Aww, I'm sorry *kisses hand and places on head* All better?

You-No

Me-I'm sorry.

You- Sorry is words

Me-Well what do you want?

You-hmmm.... think of something

Me-(joking) ice cream (which is free and limitless on the ship)

You-Ha, no.I don't need ice cream.

Me- I dont have anything else.

You- You do. Think about it. Ramble something off.

I started to kind of get the gist of it, but didnt want to assume anything or get my hopes up or something. Plus if i said "a kiss" and I was wrong, how embarrassing would that be?

Me-(still joking)Now you're starting to make me mad.

You-Why?

Me-Cuz you wont tell me.

You-...

Me- I might know, but I'm probably wrong.

You- Well let's hear.

Me-No.

You- Why.

Me- Because it makes me nervous....

You- Is that why you're twisting your shirt?

Me- .....yeah.

You- come on

Me- No

You- Give me a hint

Me- Is it an action?

You- Yes.

Me- Oh... (now I'm pretty sure i know that it is a kiss.)

You- Well if you aren't going to tell me, how about I guess.

Me-Ok. *slight silence.*

You- Wow every ounce of confidence I had just left.

Me- I don't care

Long silence.

And then this next part I remember exactly. You know some memories seem like they just happened? I can still see the exact light, the way you said it, your face, the wind, the smell, the ocean, the slight rock of the ship... everything. It's uncanny. Your words were the only thing I could hear. The only thing in my ears when you said it.

"You want me to kiss you"

A statement. Not a question.

I turned away from you because I was blushing like crazy and smiling super hard.

"Well??"

Me- One blink means yes, two means no."

You-that isnt fair

Me - I know.

I was laying on the chair with my head dangling off the edge. You come over and sit and my head is in your lap and you're staring at my eyes. And I stare up grinning teasingly without blinking.

You- "You aren't answering"

Me- I already did. You must've missed it.

You- Wow. Now I'm mad again (Of course you were kidding. We just tease each other a lot)

I blinked once.

You- "Is that a yes?"

Me- "I don't know, is it?"

You- Your eyes are hazel.

Me- No, they're brown.

You- Noooo hazel.

Me- I know the color of my own eyes.

Time passes.

Then you look down at me, put your fingers gingerly under my chin, tilt my face toward you a bit, and then lean down. And you kissed me.

I still remember how it felt. Exactly what your eyes looked like. I thought I knew fireworks. I didn't know what "fireworks" were until then. You know how in the books they talk about how it's electric? The books are right. It's just like that. Perfection.

The really funny part was how everyone knew before we did. Before we were a thing, people would ask me, "Hey, where's you'r boyfriend?" to which I would respond "He isn't my boyfriend and I don't know. I'm not his keeper." "He should be (my boyfriend), though. You guys have eeevvvveeerrryyything in common. You like him, don't you?" "..Nahh" "He likes you" "Probably not" "I can tell" "Whatever. We're just friends"

I could fill up endless blogs of memories, but they wouldn't be as special, because they would be so open for everyone, instead of tucked securely in my mind, where I can visit them when needed. They will remain my own and your's, nobody elses. So for now I leave it at this.

I swear that same night I met you, was walking around on my own just staring out into the ocean and I had an epiphany. "Just leave the past behind. What happens will happen. Don't sit around waiting for life to happen, because it's already happening. I'm leaving everything behind me. I'm on vacation. And it's going to be the best week ever."

What an understatement.

You'r star misses you.

GirlInBlue.

LessThanThree

A Message to You.

I loved you. I still do.

When we met, you made all the pain go away. Pain that I thought would last forever. Pain from my family and school. Pain from heartbreak. You made everything seem perfect for once. When we were together, it was like magic. We had moments I thought only existed in movies or fairytales. But they happened. To me. And I want to thank you for fixing me. For making me believe again.

One of the hardest things I had to do was looking you in the eyes and say goodbye without breaking down right then and there. I had to pull myself together and just say it. And then when you basically said it for me...

"You have no idea how much I'm going to miss you"

I wanted to die. Because, yes I would. I feel it every day. Every hour I'm awake. It haunts my nightmares, taints my dreams. Every moment of every day. You're there. In my mind. All of our memories come flooding back. It makes it so I can't concentrate on anything. It makes it so I want to break down again.

I hate myself for this. Because it is also one of the most difficult things I have done. But we can't see each other, or really talk all too often. Something like this was bound to happen. And maybe in the future... Who knows? Maybe we will reunite and it will all be better.

I ignored all the people who said long distance relationships never work. Because they didn't know us. But maybe they were right. And it hurts. It feels like I am ripping in two. I can't stand this lonely feeling I get when I think of how happy we were at one point, and how it feels like I'm throwing it all away.

I never wanted to do this.... giving up on us. You know that, I hope. You know I would do almost anything for you. You know I love you. With everything I have. But the pain and stress isn't making either of us happy. And that's what I want most. Is for you to be happy. Because this can't be what you want either.

I wish so badly it were different. But it isn't and we can't go on forcing something that doesn't work...

I love you so much. And I'll miss you. I do miss you. With every breath I take. I just wanted you to know. I'm so sorry about this. I hope you can be happier, too. I hope I can also.

Don't forget me. Because remember, I wasn't lying.

No, this will not be the last time we are together.

All my love,

GirlInBlue

lessthanslashthree.