Lonely Lullabies

Symphony of silver tears

sing to me and soothe the ring in my ears


My very favorite song of all time is actually a very personal song to the artist. Adam Young, under the project name "Owl City", writes of the darkness of heartbreak that's surprisingly relevant despite its personal message.

How many times have I turned on this song and thought "Yes. This is the personification of loneliness, the utmost epitome of those dark nights you just feel alone no matter who you have, if you're in a relationship, how good of a week you may have.

Overcast, these gloomy nights wear on
But I'm holding fast
Cause it's darkest just before the dawn.


Night after night, staring at nothing, thinking "What else? Why is it like this? Why, despite my efforts do I feel like this, do I put myself through this?" But, like the song says, I always just troop right though it.

It really is darkest right before it gets better.

I sang my princess fast asleep
cause she was my dream come true
Oh, Annmarie, believe me.
I loved you.


The only thing I'm going to say about this, to not take away from the personal story behind these words which I have little knowledge of is the last two lines. If you listen to the song, you will fine these words are so compelling, the way they wish, the way they plead. And the slight but incredible difference two letters can make. Between "love" and "loved". But you can hear in it, he really does love her, now. And he's not going to ever not love her.

But now those lonely lullabies
Just dampen my tired eyes
Because I can't forget you
Because I can't forget you


Again, a lot of this song is about the words, but would it hold the same effect had some lines not been repeated, or the flowing piano and strings between verses not been added, or even two letters change. I think the fact that "Because I can't forget you" is repeated is incredible because it demonstrates that, despite his incredible efforts and not matter how hard he tries, no matter how many nights he stays awake, tossing and turning, he can't get Annmarie out of his head.

I'll dissolve when the rain pours in
When the nightmares take me


When it starts getting rough, and you start to feel the edge of the darkness, you can't just ignore it. It absorbs you, and you just...
wash away.
You really do dissolve. This chorus is my favorite part because it puts into words what I never could. When it all comes crashing down around you, you're consumed in it. There's no way out

I will scream with the howling wind
Cause it's a bitter world
And I'd rather dream.


When you're all alone and just give up and everything just kind of sucks, there's nothing you can do, is the most powerless feeling ever.

It really is a bitter world.
We all would rather dream. To escape the cruel sharp edge of reality, to fall asleep, and stay in your dreams where the bitterness can't ever touch you again, where you control what happens.


Speechless. The first time I heard this he was on stage and singing and playing this and everybody in that crazy, loud ballroom of fans just stood and watched. And listened. Without a word.

Dizzy love turned a star-lilly pink
And hung above our lids too flushed to blink.


Falling in love is crazy and bittersweet and we often get swept up with it. Dizzy with it. The giggly giddiness in our tummies and the blushing. We don't prepare ourselves, especially the first time. We don't see it coming. We don't stop to think for a second to protect ourselves. And why should we.

But Icy Blue froze the fairytale cold
Though I treasured you, and you sparkled with someone to hold.


Despite our efforts, despite the way we feel and how things are and how well we treat them.

Sometimes, it just can't.

Annmarie, he'll never forget you.





“The only songs I’ve ever written 100% accurate to a very personal relationship of mine is a melancholy piano ballad entitled called Lonely Lullaby.”Young said the song Lonely Lullaby is about his ex-girlfriend Ann Marie who he described as the “most wonderful, beautiful woman” he knew.

He was “madly in love with everything about her” and said she had a huge impact on his life.

Maybe communication was the reason their relationship didn’t last.

“Ironically I’m too shy to webcam with friends, or even family for that matter. I’m not much for phone calls or texting either. Communicating is just not something I’m crazy about. I’d rather communicate through music.”


-http://www.andpop.com/2011/07/17/interview-owl-citys-adam-young-on-album-collab-with-lights-and-relationships

"Your new song “Lonely Lullaby” refers to your ex-girlfriend Ann Marie many times. Did you consider changing her name in the song?

Ann Marie was, and certainly still is, such a beautiful person to me, and I’d never written such a personal song before. I knew I had to include her name in the ly rics because the song is truly what I wish I could say to her now that’s she’s gone. A lot of my songs are written purely from the imagination and some have no representation of my personal life, but “Lonely Lullaby ” was the first song I wrote almost ENTIRELY about something as personal as a romantic relationship. Ann had blue eyes, her favorite flowers were pink star-lilies, and I used to literally sing her to sleep over the phone while she was home and I was on tour. The song is, in fact, so personal, it almost hurts to listen to it now that such a perfect relationship has come to an end. I wasn’t sure if I had something as “genuine and pure” inside of me but the song basically wrote itself and I’m proud of it."

-http://www.sltrib.com/csp/cms/sites/sltrib/pages/printerfriendly.csp?id=52183309

This one is for all of us who would rather dream.

Other songs to listen to by the lonely and nostalgic:
This is the future- Owl City
Sailboats
I live Alone
Explorers, All by Sky Sailing
Some Nights-Fun.
Somewhere Only We Know-Keane
Timshel- Mumford and Sons
Cough Syrup- Young the Giant
Paradise- Coldplay
The Freshmen- Jay Brennan, originally by Verve Pipe
Carry On- Fun.


If you're lost and alone
And you're sinking like a stone
Carry on.


I'm always here loves. And I'll never forget you
Forever Blue
[lessthanthree]
Girl in Blue

Two worst and most familiar emotions in the world

I can't help but feel this aching loneliness tonight because maybe I'm not worth talking to. Maybe I really do need to go to bed like he says.

But these sobs are so familiar. Probably one of the earliest things I remember.

They are the exact ones I cried into my father's chest when he rocked me, hushing me while my mom walked out the door to go to work. The ones I cried when I had a bad dream or when I wanted my parents back together during their separation. Right now they just hurt and come in rolling waves that cease to persist though I don't really have any particular reason to hurt or feel lonely. I just ache for someone to hold me again, I guess. I just need someone here for me, even if they don't say anything.

All I want is someone to hold me and tell me it's okay, sometimes.

Nostalgia and Lonliness have a funny way of working together.

Sleep Better than I will tonight, loves

Girlinblue

That Night

My life is kind of in two segments now.

Before Cruise, and after cruise.

That last night passed in a blur but I didn't want it to, obviously.

I waited all night in that club, laying on a couch, staring blankly at a wall, wondering what was up ahead, to become. People asked me what was up, where you were, the usual. Then I got a call that I had to go back to my room to finish packing.

So I half-heartedly stuffed all my crap into my bag. It was the most heartwrenching thing I think I've ever had to do, because zipping up that suitcase was like zipping up a week full of incredible that would be padlocked, never to be opened, or relived, again.

I trudged back to the elevator. I had blisters in my toes from flipflops, so instead I was wearing the sparkly shoes. All my good clothes were gone, so I wore sweats, and I felt disgusting. I was so red, I could see how red my nose and cheeks were below my eyes. I hurt from the unfamiliar bed I had lied on for the past week. And I hurt from what I was going to have to let go of.

Up the fifteen floors, the elevator opened. The air was getting cooler as we approached the United States. I trudged back to the club. What if you weren't there. What if I would never see you again.

You were. You said I looked hot in my sweats. Even though I know I didn't.

We walked out of the club into a huge, freezing wind tunnel. We went up the deck and huddled behind a stack of beach chairs, making out. You didn't noticed, but I felt like crying. I almost did. It took all of me that night to not collapse in your arms.

We snuck across to the other deck and huddled together, you blocking the wind, both of us pressed against the glass. It was no use. The cold was seeping into our bones, both of us shivering. So we went to get food and found two other kids from the club. Two British, two Australian. We sat there eating heaps of food and ice cream and laughing and asking crazy questions about each other's countries. "How big is a stone? Don't they come in all shapes and sizes?" "So do you ride a kangaroo to school every day?" Etc. Etc.

We all parted. You and I went back to the elevator. It was there in your arms the tears finally forced their way out, racing themselves down my cheeks.

"Are you crying?"

I shook my head. But you knew. You know me too well

I pulled myself together and put on a brave face for you.

We roamed the halls, cracking jokes, you speaking to me in german, me being confused. All the doors marked "Do Not Disturb" were people "doing the dirty." They were loading up luggage and it was highly depressing. Teenage Dream came on and you stopped and tried to dance with me but I shot you down, certainly blushing, because I can't dance. I would never hear that song again without thinking of you. Just like I would never be able to hear "Raise Your Glass" Without remembering Jon elbowing me hard in the face on accident. Just like I would think of you every time I got a piece of mail from NCL, mentally pointing out the places some of the best memories were made in the picture of the EPIC. Just like I would never be able to put on my Blue Man Group shirt without being reminded of you.

I stalled going back to my room, leading us to floors that weren't mine. Finally we made it to the twelfth floor. I loathed that little arrow that pointed to my room, to our final moment together more than I've ever loathed anything.

We stopped. Embraced. "You don't know how much I'm going to miss you"

You don't know how much that statement was false.

I gave you the note. Hugged you again. Kissed you one last time. Went into my room, and collapsed on my bed in a heap of tear-stained cheeks. I can't remember a time I've cried louder. I couldn't breathe.

I was hollow. Empty. Nothing anybody could tell me would help. I just needed you. There. With me.

I miss you. So much. I DO know how much you miss me because I MUST miss you just as much. You don't understand how much you changed me. You made me feel beautiful, special, like a girl out of a movie or a fairytale, because boys like you only happen to girls in fairytales. And yet you DID happen to me.

I miss you.

Love forever

GirlInBlue

Lessthanthree

But really though...

What if the one who got away came back?

What if right as you began to pride in yourself over accomplishing the impossible (getting over someone) they come right back into your life and you're head over heels again.

On the one hand, this situation is astronomically exciting. You can finally think of all the memories without hurting, and actually see their face without that terrible ache in your chest. Its almost new, yet so little has changed, yet so much at the same time.

Its all very emotionally exhausting.

And I would much rather it be this way, without the awkwardness, without the constant questioning of myself. Without the "What'd I do wrong?"s and "Why me?"s and of course without the "At one point I was good enough and now I am not"

Questions have been answered.

So why is it still I haven't a clue what to do with myself?

And Why is it when the inspiration had seemingly come back, I still have this huge whole in my brain where all the words used to pour from. Even now, sitting at my keyboard, I struggle, racking my brains for every word, every thought, wringing myself dry of the words that present themselves one letter at a time....

I guess I'm confused. But not really. I know what I want, But I don't.

How can I abandoned the one who not only picked up my broken pieces and make me whole, made me laugh again, made me see in color and light and see all the beauty again after my world came crashing down around me, but also the one who gave me memories I will hold for a lifetime. I love him dearly, and I cannot stop that, especially for one who could have had all of my love in the first place. You cannot replace the ups and downs, everything two people could've gone through.

What it all comes down to I guess is that its just another case of Heart v. Mind. Your heart wants something, but you know in your mind it is stupid.

Maybe I'll just live with 45025 cats when I get old. Yup.

I DONT NEED NO MAN

Love always.

GirlInBlue

lessthanthree

Bananas

Bananas

Zing.

Holy Crap. I am back. How is that? Craziness right?

So I know probably nobody gets on here anymore but oh well. I'll direct the subject of my intentions to this article because it's a message.

First, though, I would like to say a thanks to my 7 readers (possibly more, but who knows) for sticking through one of the most dreadful bouts of writer's block I have ever had to conquer. Then I was going to take a break for summer anyway. And here I am, school mere days away. And I'm actually pretty excited.

So I have this really good friend. He is a guy, but not my boyfriend. I met him when my best friend dated him for a while then broke up with him. This boy has always been someone on my "boyfriend potential" radar but it wasn't until later when it finally clicked. I think I liked him before he liked me, but he soon caught on.

I didn't go out with him for a number of reasons. For one, even though my friend said it would be okay, but altogether too weird, he was my best friend's ex. 2, I am entering my junior year and he is a freshman and while although it's been said and done before and he acts around 28, it would be difficult to say the least. My last reason is an odd one because my boy is painfully shy which is absolutely adorable, but at times can make me feel like a deer in the headlights.

So here we are, I like him, He likes me, we move on.

Since I live in a capitol city, our state has an annual state fair in our town, in which most of the citizens of at least my town go to. While I was in line for an all-access ride pass, crammed in next to mothers and fussing children in the hot sun, I looked up and saw these electric blue eyes. And it was like this jolt went through my whole body. Like electricity. I'm pretty sure if it made a noise, it would say zing. Right there in the middle of all those people, and I know this probably sound idiotic (it probably is), But I had one of those experiences when you see someone and its like you're the only two people there. Mind you, there were probably dozens of people there, but as soon as I saw those shocking electric blue eyes, I knew it was him.

We exchanged shy smiles, and I blushed madly, giving a little wave then turning away, trying to act as casual as I could while on the inside I was slowly collapsing because that really just happened. I knew he was probably still watching me, and I was stealing small glimpses in his direction also, so I tried to act like I wasn't a blithering, wonderstruck idiot. Much to my dismay, however, I didn't see him again that night.

I think the magic came into play because of the sincere surprise of the whole incident. It's not even that big of a deal. I see my friend, I smile, say hi, move on with my life right? No. This is one of those things that kept me looking for him all night, in ride lines and food lines, playing games, doing fair-y things, whatever.

I came home and immediately facebooked him because I'm a stalker and we both had a little freak out about it. It went like this

Him-HI!!! (See, though he is shy in person, over the internet he is way more random and crazy and amazing than he lets on)

Me- (HIS NAME IN ALL CAPS HERE!!!!!)

Him- You made me smile tonight yknow...

Me- Yeah, you made me smile. And blush. That's a given.

And we both talked about how we were all gushy and happy and smiley and sappy stuff like that. It was incredible.

I like this boy probably for all his differences, and also because he something I strive to be so bad. I suppose I consider myself an introverted person, and while I was shy in my childhood years, I slowly grew more comfortable in my skin. However, I will be the first to admit I can be tremendously overbearing at times.

My boy (and I say my boy because usually I would replace "boy" with his name) might be perfect for me though, because, and I just recently realized this because I just recently figured it out, he is everything I want in a boy.

He is reserved, as I've gone over, yet I can talk to him with ease and he can with me (I hope). He is deep and poetic and artistic, but he is also hilarious but not inappropriate. He is also incredibly understanding. A big problem I have with boyfriends is that when I get in a "mood" where I have to rant about something depressing, they never know what I'm talk about but when I go talk to him its like he knows exactly where I'm coming from. He's absolutely (and I use this word in the most masculine form there is) beautiful inside and out (yes I used the forbidden word, I suppose this breaks the promise not to ever use it)

I don't know whats going to happen. Only that something so significant needs to go somewhere at some point. The only thing to figure out is where and when.

All My Love,

Girl In Blue

Less than Three

Shattered

You love me. And I love you... But not the way I should.

I love that you love me. I love your company and I love that you're one of my best friends. I love that you tell me everything and I love that I can do the same.

But I can't be with you, as much as you want. For your own good. And for more reasons than just that you are like my brother and I can't let anything happen to you.

Let me explain.

One's first love is perfect. It may last for a while, and it has all the nerves. You still have this beautiful view of love that hasn't been obstructed or dirtied. Like a new window, it seems so perfect, nothing can defile it. So you touch it, and hold it, and lean on it. And it's a little scratched, and theres a smudge here or there.

And then it shatters. You don't know what happened. Maybe there was a crack that very slowly crept across the window and finally you touched it wrong and it just caved in. Maybe you leaned against it too much and it gives. But it's done. And there are pieces. And as much as you try, no matter what, no matter how many times you try to make it work, it's over. And there's nothing you can do.

Sometimes you are like me. And you've moved to a different window, and each time the same thing happens. And you just stand there helpless, trying and trying, gluing, taping, whatever it takes, to make that glass perfect again. You give it all that you are. But it doesn't help. It won't no matter what.

See, I am broken. I cannot be fixed. I have been betrayed, lied to, and rejected so many times I can't trust anymore. I hate it but it's true. I hate knowing I can't get close to somebody because I know I am giving them the bullet to shoot through my glass. It is hard to love.

I found that person, though. I thought I never would. Which was exactly the problem. I found a person so perfect, and he told me he would do anything for me. I thought the world of him and him of me. But I can't trust. Because I am broken. And I went and screwed it up. Because I thought he was leaving, so to save myself, I let go. But he wasn't. And I gave up. And I should've trusted him. But I didn't. And I am broken.

I don't want you to be cut with my broken glass. I don't want to break you, and I don't want you to be broken. That pane of glass... Right now, it's looking immaculate. I don't want to be the one to plague it. Because I will. Find someone who's glass is clear. Find someone who can trust themselves. Find someone who will love you just as much. I love you, but I will never love you as much as you do me. My glass has been shattered.

I am broken.

All my love.

GirlInBlue

LessThanThree